The Call
I wanted to share my experience about grief. I’m a palliative care worker and I help others deal with their own grief and helping families in their time of need. I have just suffered an incredible loss. My Brother.
It was 1:00 am on a Friday and I could not fall asleep, I was tossing and turning, getting up and down not knowing why I couldn’t settle. Trying to not wake my dog who lay silently sleeping beside me. Thoughts wondering through my head like I was on a merry go round. I couldn’t get it to shut off.
Finally at 1:45 I looked up to the ceiling and said angels, guides and spirit guides please give me a sign.
I look over to see that my phone was lighting up. I pick it up it’s 2:28am. I had missed 4 calls from her. It’s my niece barely recognizable. He’s gone, dad’s gone. I knew what she said but I needed to hear it again. What where how and when are my next questions as I jump out of bed screaming to run next door to notify my mother. Who lives in an apartment next door.
My brother had stage four cancer. He had been fighting almost a year. We had been notified not even a couple of months ago that there was nothing more they could do for him to go home and be with family. He chose to remain at home at the end of his life. To be surrounded by family. They gave him maybe a couple of months. We figured he wouldn’t not be with us by Christmas. It was Dec,01,2023.
We knew he was near the end of his life with us physically, when the call came in I thought we had more time. We knew we didn’t have months but we figured at least a couple more weeks. We had plans for an earlier Christmas. His daughter who lived in another province had flown in and had been with her mom and dad and the baby. We went to see my brother every Friday as that was the best day for us to go. We did this weekly for the past almost a year.
The shock, disbelief. I immediately lost all my wind and breath. I felt I could not catch my breath, yet I was still able to get myself and my dog ready to take the hour and half drive to say our final goodbyes. The drive felt long, hard, and we couldn’t get there fast enough. I felt like all my breath was taken out of me, I couldn’t breathe. The pain and the gut wrenching feeling. But I had no tears at this point.
We just wanted to be with him, see him, hold him, be with our family to support them and each other. I always said since he got sick almost a year prior to his passing. Our family is stronger together.
I’ve never felt such gut wrenching pain, but how could I, I’ve never lost my brother before.
I knew I and we would be OK. At that moment at that time. Time stood still and nothing mattered.
Walking into the home and seeing my sister in law, niece and my sister in laws father, was hard and raw. I can only describe it as plain raw and at that moment time stood still. It seemed to stand still for some time. That is when the tears begun to fall. They never stopped for me for two solid days. I’m not sure how I never ran out of tears but I guess our body produces enough.
I want to share over the next few articles about grief and how it’s been affecting me in such a profound way and how it may be able to help you in your own grief.
Grief is not talked about enough but it’s one topic every one of us will deal with. It’s inevitable it’s the process of life.
The more we love the harder the loss.
Grief is not easy and it’s not something we are ever prepared for.
I hope you enjoyed today’s writing. Please come back to read the rest of this series on grief and love and loss.
RIP to the best brother ever.
Kelly
